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I can’t help noticing the fear that’s in your eyes… [entries|friends|calendar]

L♥ve is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife
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[23 Oct 2005|09:57pm]
can someone just take me away from here?


[04 Oct 2005|09:24pm]
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[i admitt that im just a fool for you]
[just a fool for you]

I'm just hoping for things to improve.
My life doesnt make sense right now, at all.
I dont understand anything about it.. including the people in it.
Especially him. What is he doing? He called me on Monday, 3 times, on Tuesday.. about 2, and i have to admitt, i returned his call once or twice.. but that was one of the days i felt like i needed to hear from him. He read the message i sent him on myspace, and the fact that hes calling shows that it must have got to him, and he didnt take it the wrong way. It pretty much said for him to grow up and call me when he does and when he finds Matt.

Last night he said we had alot to talk about, but he didnt and doesnt want to talk about it. Mmhmmm. I hope he realizes i wont be around here forever just waiting for him to want to talk. Ive already waited too long.
5 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

He who makes a beat of himself takes away the pain of being a man [30 Sep 2005|01:45pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

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[my camera died, how i hate camera phones]

These were taken right outside of my house yesterday.
It was so crazy, and at one point it got really bad.
No houses were lost, thank god.
But they came so close to being gone.
The fire is still burning.
But its on the other side.
It smells like smores, which would be nice.
If the hills werent black and on fire.
We still went to school yesterday and today.
Which is right down the street from my house.
If you could see a sky view of my city right now..
It would be one big ball of smoke.
My lungs are irritated along with my throat.
There was ash everywhere yesterday, but thats about gone.

Ash is pouring down like rain, so I guess I lied. lol
Theres so much smoke right now I cant see any of the mountains and my eyes immediatly start burning when I walk outside. This sucks.

Just thought I would update.
Oh and matt called me again yesterday.. to see if I was alright.
The first time he called I missed it, and I was contemplative on calling him back, and a little fearful, so I didnt.
A blocked number called a little after that, and I answered, and it was him.. right as I said hello he replied with "So i have to block my number? Dont be scared to answer my calls" and just the calmness and the caringness in his voice took me off guard. He said, "Im not here to hurt you.." with much campassion and it was just confusing. If he didnt want to hurt me he wouldn't have been doing what he has been. We had common conversation for about 6 minutes, but I didnt feeling like being an ass and blowing him off, cause he called saying he was worried about me.. and I thought that was sweet, as much as i dont want to hear from him, it really is nice. But i dont want to start talking to him alot, as ive stated in my recent entries.. it will only cause problems.

pull the trigger

[28 Sep 2005|06:09pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

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so today there was a hunge fire, it came from the city over and crawled
across the top of the one of the mountains that surrounds our city
the one right behind my back yard.

it was crazy to watch, the flames were enourmous and would randomly burst
into hunge explosions, and then die down to nearly glowing ambers
regardless; its still going

i was talking to Rob and Bouey when suddently my other line beeps
its Matt
im like, oookay, what can he need
and i wasnt even going to answer it
but i did.
M "hey whats up?
C "nothing, you?"
M "nothing, are you alright?"
C "yeah, im fine"
M "ok, well i just wanted to make sure you were ok"
C "yeah, im alright"
M "ok, well ill talk to you later"
C "alright"
M "bye"
C "bye"

and that was it.
it was nice of him to call and see if i was ok, but what was amusing
is that when he called, he sounded like he couldnt care less.. so im
like uhh ok? cause it sounded like he had a gun to his head and was
made to call me and ask, he really didnt have any compasion whatsoever
in his voice, and that wierded me out a bit. you think when someone
calls you like that they care and you would assume they would
sound like they cared too. oh well.

i hope the fire goes out soon♥
3 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

[25 Sep 2005|10:35am]
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[i dont know how i keep smiling, or how i can fake this so well]

matt sent me a message today, this is what it read:

why is it that now you have to go and talk to all of my friends? is this some kind of way to get back at me or make hurt more? i just want to tell you that there will never, ever, be some one that could replace you. once you said that you think we met each other too early on. and i think that is totally true. the years that we are going through are so fucking shity, that everything gets brought down with it.....when we both have matured, when we both have lived, and learned all there is to learn. i think that when i straighten out, sobre up, and get a job. which is going to be soon enough, because i have to be clean for my job. i think that a whole nother relationship can be formed. completely start from scratch. things will be different. but you will still be the crysee that i have always loved. if you ever want to talk to me. i still.....would like someone i could talk to.

im not exactly sure what to say to that.. but i totally agree.
hes perfect for me but we met too early on to be able to make something great of our relationship, and something great out of the people we have the potential to be. i know im mature enough, i get it all the time, thats why i hang out with people alot older than me.. they get confused and somtimes forget im 16 by the way i handle situations, the way i act, and the things ive already gone through. its nice, though, to be able to make so many right decisions for my self at such a young age, but i still know i have a lot more to learn and a lot more to overcome, and alot more to be hurt and to fuck up. but i know that im one step ahead of the game.. because i was ready for this relationship he... was not.

i would still be there for him, and i would reply to this message, if brittany wouldnt have come into the picture, i would have been there for him untill the day i died, he could have fucked up with anything, and i still would have been there. but the fact that he thinks he can replace me and make someone else more important than me and still think that im gonna be there, on my hands and knees, ready to make him happy and make everything ok..

not a chance.

if anyone has any advice, i would really apreciate it, i just dont know what to do.. please, someone tell me
1 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

♥ ♥ ♥... [19 Jun 2005|10:08pm]
[ mood | content ]

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aww pretty flowers<3

matt brought them to me, cause now, it has been over a month that we've been goin out again and about a year and 4 months since we've been together :)

friday nightCollapse )

4 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

[29 Mar 2005|10:16am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

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the night you left was the night i died
loss of blood from my heart ripped out

but you never saw what you were doing
you were blind folded,

playing a game of dodgeball with knifes
against my blood soaked body,

you never realized you got a perfect hit
5 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

friends only [24 Mar 2004|07:21pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

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this journal is friends only

you can add me, but im not sure ill add you back.

it worth a try though
94 shoot to thrill, play to killpull the trigger

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